im almost 18 years old and over the past couple years i have gone from a happy, social, extroverted, healthy person to a weak, zoned-out mess. it started with feeling depressed. i told my doctor and they tried me on a several anti-depressants (prozac, lexapro, remeron) but they all had negative effects like making me emotionless, migraines, and creating anxiety. i gave up on depression meds and my depression began to deminish and within a year i was fine again. then i started having anxiety and panic attacks for no apparent reason. my doctor wouldnt give me anything for anxiety and it got worse and i fell deep into depression.
now i dont feel my anxiety. my mind either feels extremley concentrated or off. the only times i feel that there is a "light on" is when im researching or thinking about weird things like consciousness, weather patterns, prophecies, the news or if im talking about myself. im totally introverted and dont care about anyone but myself. iv almost totally lost all interest in people. i thought it would just be a phase but now im loosing my social skills. like i never know what to say or how to respond. half the time i dont even know what their saying because im so warped into my own head. unless they have something REALLY interesting to say i just dont care what their saying.
i used to be very physically active like horseback riding, hiking, just moving around and doing stuff. now all i want to do is read stuff and watch and stare and think or not think. im absorbed into my mind like i dont care about my physical world. i lucid dream a lot and i wish i could just live in my dreams.
i often just stare and stare. my perception has changed a lot... most of the time i dont look at one thing but everything at once like im always using peripheral vision. but when i talk to people my eyes lock onto theirs and i feel like im staring at them in a creepy way but i cant help it. either that or i have shifty eyes when i talk to them in attempt to avoid their eyes but then i look really creepy. so when im talking to people i guess i cant help but look creepy. funny though cuz im not a creepy looking person at all. in fact im often told im attractive and very photogenic (im a girl).
im also extremely irritable. sometimes i cant sleep and lay in bed for hours. other nights i cant seem to get enough sleep and i sleep through my alarm. i feel sooo lazy. it seems like so much effort to do anything physical. i used to keep my room clean, make my bed now i can care less. i used to also used to love animals and i had a snake, fish aquarium, dumbo rats, and even goats that i raised and showed. now i just have my dog that sit with me.
so i've tried everything. having a good diet, forcing myself to do things to take me out of my shell like going to youth group, trying to talk to ppl, changing my attitude but even when im in a good mood on the inside, i cant show it. i see so many ways to do things better and i think ppl are dumb but funny =) i feel numb unless something funny happens but what i think is funny i guess isnt really that funny so i feel dumb when i laugh and no one else does. but i dont really care. im a lot like a run away train once my mind starts going it doesnt stop. so anyone know whats wrong with me?
not really whats wrong but what happened? why did my whole personality change?
